i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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