A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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