The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
