Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
