Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize