you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
