Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
