how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
