Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i believe in u and ur pee
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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