I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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