Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
