You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
