im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize