I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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