I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
