She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
