so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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