I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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