i just sent this text using only my big toe
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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