I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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