the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize