Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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