After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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