my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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