Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
