is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
