I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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