dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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