maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize