I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
