They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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