I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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