Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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