How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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