I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
