he wants to bone in the snuggie
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
