I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
