The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
