The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
