My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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