if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
