She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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