fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
