Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
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