I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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