I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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