I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
