you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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