FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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