my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
