Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
my shit smells like andre
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Randomize
