my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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