Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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