I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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