I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
