Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
